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Children Of Bodom: Something wild

21/02/08 || Kampfar

If you need information about this band I suggest a stop at Wikipedia, as the article there is way fucking better than what I would fucking, fucking shit fuck, bother to fucking write for an intro.

sneer spit fuck!

For the rest of the review I’ll restrict the wildchild in me, no more “fucks” after this. That I promise, but bullshit there will be. Hell, this band is listed with 15 million plays on Last.fm, in comparison – Grave has 250k, and so I reckon those oblivious either hate metal or are dysfunctional beyond belief. I’m thinking deaf, dumb, blind here. In fact I write this piece only for luring their fans into hell. As the genius I am, I reckon the chances of catching one or two might be bigger if we do show up when people hunt them down on the interweb. So here I am, wasting your time, not giving a landing duck.

Oh, I’d like to review their fans while I’m at it, and I give them a 5 out of 10 rating.

Not the most educated lot this, and it has its reasons. You see, the average age of their fan base is 12 year-ish, which makes COB a gateway band, perhaps the biggest, counting out Metallica and Slayer, and I respect that. But, I can safely say I’m not picking out one wearing a COB shirt for a chat if attending a concert, or anywhere. I might do a nod, directed at the beings teeth, nothing more.

Onwards to the dissection, sort of…

I never dug “Something wild”, truth is I resented it not many months after its birth, and all thanks to a couple of “friends” of mine (one a compulsive liar) who happened to play the living shit out of it. Here the other day I did a re-listen and realized it wasn’t the bad album I remembered it to be, not that I was floored, but slightly impressed I became. No doubt.

I’m very doubtless today, ‘cause neither do I doubt “Something well-played” would’ve been a better album without Mr. Laiho’s piss poor vocals on top. I know for a fact the guys were about very young when they released this, too young to drink, well at least outside Finland, but hadn’t the apathetic magpie been present, you would’ve had an incredibly hard time telling. But before I go on praising their incredible skills, I’d like to point out that Mr. Laiho has since evolved into a better vocalist, same style, but better. It’s not like I’m desperate for hatemails.

This is pretentious stuff, no doubts yet again, and to prove my point I’ll do a mention of “Redlight in my eyes pt II’”, as its opening riff is lifted from Mozart’s 25th symphony. I’m sure it alone is suffice to have those afraid catching the nasty pretto-virus running over the hills and far away, screaming. Yes, it is wanking, but this lot blow their loads into fairly fertile vaginas; which is another way of saying they write actual songs for a living. Even on their debut.

“Something wild” is indeed an impressing album, debut or not, and if I had been, like, utterly familiar with the lot I would have stated it to be their most adventurous piece of masturbation. I’m quite sure it to be so, but I wouldn’t promise gargling arsenic if I happened to be wrong, not sperm even. But, as mentioned, the vocals drain the effort for life, doing its utmost to tarnish an otherwise exciting album. Safe to say it wasn’t the biggest surprise since spontaneous abortion learning only one song has actual lyrics, that being “Touch like angel of death”.

If you fancy the idea of progressive power black metal, something like that, you are hereby advised to give “Something wild” a go.

6 out of 10.

Information
Released: 1997
Label: Nuclear Blast
Website: www.cobhc.com
Band
Alexi Laiho: vocals, guitars
Alexander Kuopalla: guitars
Henkka T. Blacksmith: bass
Janne Wirman: keyboards
Jaska Raatikainen: drums

Tracklist
01. Deadnight warrior
02. In the shadows
03. Red light in my eyes pt. I
04. Red light in my eyes pt. II
05. Lake Bodom
06. The nail
07. Touch like angel of death

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